Couto isn’t the only journalist expressing her grievances. An overall glumness can be perceived on almost every news program produced in Brazil- save for “Globo Esporte,” the daily sports show. Seasoned anchor Eduardo Ribeiro reportedly paused mid-broadcast upon reading the teleprompter, shook his head, muttered something inaudible and left the newsroom.

In an interview with his wife and co-anchor Ana Brito after the incident, she revealed that above all else, all Ribeiro wants is to report a story on a surfing dog or something. “How exciting that would be! Doing interviews with live people… exploring the nice neighborhoods of the city for once… Reporting stories that really matter to people!”

Rede Globo, the national television network, is taking the situation very seriously, as they are concerned for the mental health of their broadcasters. The most successful remedy to date has been seen in the form of those “happy dogs” hired to brighten up and enliven the hum-drum staff. However, some doubt the foretold success, commenting that the dogs will probably “be grotesquely butchered and sold for some weird colt ceremony or whatever and we’ll have to report another one… Snooze…”

The case was brought before the court amidst the scandal following the revelation of United States POW treatment at Guantanamo Bay. Prison guards were allegedly heard spitting the aforesaid rhyme at prisoners for such utterances as “I’ve got seven wives just waiting for me back in Tehran” and consequently starting fire to prisoner’s bottoms using any method available- including friction by rolling a stick back and forth really fast between your palms.

This appalling news damaged American credibility in the eyes of the global community, whilst the court’s decision attempts to make amends. While critics accuse the U.S. of committing some sort of grand gesture in attempt to minimize international embarrassment, the news was well received by international audiences as a step towards a more humane society.

After the publication of this study, many around the country have become worried about the current state of American geography skills.

“What was perhaps most interesting,” said head researcher Tory Lamb, “was that not only could most of these teenagers not find their room on a map of their house, but most of them would guess a different part of their house entirely. For example, over half of the students did not even choose the correct floor.”

“This suggests a severe deficiency in American map-reading skills, and the only way to correct this is through education,” says American Joe Karpas. “We need kids to bring in maps of their house to school so their teachers can help point out which room is theirs. Heck, when I was a kid, I didn’t even know what a map was, let alone have one!”

Americans such as Mr. Karpas and Dr. Lamb realize that the first step to becoming a global American is the ability to locate one’s room on a map of their house. “I imagine then you would move onto bigger things,” says Karpas. “You could then have them identify their state on a map of their state and the state next door.”